When we respect people we build win-win situations

If I ask you "Who do you respect?" you will probably respond by naming a couple of people or more. Some of them could be from your personal networks, others could be public or historical figures who made an impact on you. So far, so good. If I then ask you "How did these people earn your respect?" you would probably come back with a list of descriptions of each of them that characterizes what you find unique and admirable about them. So far, so good. Now, I ask you "Who do you not respect?"

If you find yourself wondering how many people you don't respect, then you fall in the state of invalidating other people. One of the greatest lessons that I've learned in the ICA is that "Respect is not an outward judgement of someone, respect is an inward feeling about yourself". When you say that you are not respecting somebody, you are saying that you have some assumptions about that person, and that you judge him negatively based on your assumptions. What do you win from this? Actually can you think of any wins? You are making a statement that invalidates the other one and that's it. And there are some things that you lose. First, you stop yourself from getting to know the other one and with this you let go of a relationship. Second, you lose a potential networking partner. Third, you demonstrate to yourself the lack of some crucial leadership competencies, for example value for diversity, inclusion or suspending judgments. Moreover, you are sharing that there is something that bothers you and it might be beneficial to explore that. No need to say - in this case the other person loses too. He is being invalidated by you.

Another option you can take is to look at people through the lenses of values. Every person has unique characteristics and you can always find something that you can relate to, admire or value. Go back to a name that came to your mind when I asked you to think on who do you not respect. It is ok not to understand this person's motives, actions, behaviors or values. If you leave it here, you will feel good. You have reflected on who you are and what is it that you value, and you have discovered that the other person is way out of your value and belief system. You have reminded yourself one more time what your unique core self is. However, if you find the inner strength to recognize a strength in the other person, you will find yourself on a whole different level of self-development. You are saying out loud how satisfied are you with yourself, and how open are you to respect people for who they are. You can continue to build relationship with this person. You can move easily forward. You take a lesson with you. If you think even further, you are practicing challenging soft skills that can only support you with your self and leadership growth. Let's be honest, in this win-win situations you are the big winner!