In what ways we make judgments and how are they not cool

We are surrounded by judgments. Everyday we hear our parents, friends, colleagues, and even strangers share their wisdom with us, give us some directions, tell us what we should do and what we should not do, and ordering us something. It seems like everybody has some idea for us how to live our own lives. Is it fun? Not exactly. As well intended their motives are, we know how to live our lives and we feel judged. Well, what about you? How many times a day do you judge people around you? If you wander how to answer this question, here are some clues on the forms of judging.

Comparing
We hear another person sharing their story with us. Our first reaction is: Yes, I understand you! Why do we say that? Because we've had the same experience or because somebody else have shared such experience with us. Well, if you stop for a minute, you will find out that we never have the same experience. For example, a friend lost his job, and we understand what he is going through because we have lost a job too. However, how you go through this change is quite different from the way your friend is dealing with that same change because you have different support systems, different financial backup, and different opportunities for the future. Now, when you compare your story with others stories you are judging that they have exactly the same feelings, hesitations and experience as yours. With that you stop paying attention to the needs of the other person and you stop yourself from supporting them.

Advising
Other times we hear somebody share a challenge, and we immediately jump in with an advice. And by doing that we are judging that the other person is stuck and can't find a solution alone. We are saying that we are better and we know more. We don't acknowledge that the other person is resourceful and can deal with that with his own strategy. We are draining their energy and refocusing it in our direction. We leave the person even less energized and probably without solution. Think how you feel when people give you advice when you are not asking for one. "You should get this job because it's better paid", "You should stop smoking because it ruins your health", "You should stop eating that much because you're getting fatter", etc. Did such advice make any difference for you? Probably, they leave some nuance of negativity. Well, do you want to have the same impact on other people?

Negative thinking
Sometimes without even thinking about it we start judging people because we have some negative thoughts or beliefs about them. Usually they are based on some diversity. We say to ourselves "I don't understand why he is doing that", "I don't like her because she left her husband", "He is very moody", etc. We observe something in the other person and if we don't recognize ourselves, we tend to judge them on the basis of unproved beliefs. And when we do that we stop ourselves from getting to know that person, to understand their own motives and values, and thus we lose an opportunity to discover another unique human being who can enrich our own thoughts and knowledge by bringing more diversity to them.

Suspending judgments is a practice that can support us in building valuable relationships and partnerships in life and work. Allowing the other people to be who they are and support their own decisions is a powerful way to build trust and long-lasting connections. It attracts people to us. It is an empowering approach to introducing shared leadership. And much more than that.