The beauty of living a value-based life

Values are those invisible elements of self that have a huge impact on own perceptions of meaning and significance. We all have them, but not all of us are aware of them, and not all of us use them to create our lives. When a person lives a life based on his personal values, he fills fulfilled, empowered, happy and ready to take everything that life has to offer. On the other hand, when a person lives a life without self-awareness of his own values or with compromising on own values, something just doesn't feel right. The more one does that, the more stuck he gets. This could result in lack of motivation, lack of confidence, lack of direction and other self-limiting moods.

This is why it is always advisable to take some time to reflect on your own values and to what extend they are part of your decision and choice making. When it comes to values it is difficult to talk about models and concepts as each individual is unique and lives up to own values in a unique way. However, to get you started on this thinking path, here are three major states of mind you might find yourself in and some strategies on where to go from where you find yourself.

I have never thought what is it that I value in my life 

If you are in a position in which you've never had the time or opportunity to reflect upon your values, you are missing a huge source of energy and joy to boost you through your life experiences. Once you start thinking in terms of what you value and align your values with your actions, you will experience an unknown empowerment. So how to get started?

The strategy: 

Draw in your mind a picture of your ideal self. Look in the details. How do you look? What is your work? Who are you working with? Who is in your circle of family and friends? What do you do for fun? How do you relax? How do you feel? And so on.
Next, make a list of all the qualities and characteristics that describe your ideal self. If you are stuck at this point, here is a great list of values that can enhance your reflections. However, this list is not exhaustive, so don't be afraid to com up with your own qualities.
Now that you have this list of qualities that would make your ideal self, think about 3 to 5 that bring most meaning in your life; ones that you are not ready to sacrifice no matter what.
Finally, think about how your top values apply in your life. Are they present? In which areas are they present? Where are they sacrificed? What makes you give up on your values in these areas? These are just a few questions that can encourage you to delve into self-exploration.
Or, if you are fan of tests, you can try the resource of Coach Rachelle Disbennett-Lee that will help you discover your values.

I know what my values are, but I don't have the option to live up to them

This is probably the most challenging mind-set. If you find yourself here, there are two strategies I would offer you.
Strategy 1:
Find some time to reevaluate your values. I personally believe that values evolve over time. If you have identified your values some time ago, it might be useful to reflect on what is it that matters to you today and brings meaning in your everyday activities. You might come up to some intriguing insights about your values, and discover that you are actually on your values path. However, if this is not the case, check out the next strategy.

Strategy 2: 

You are aware of your values and you are aware that you are compromising on them in your daily life. This is a huge advantage and I want to acknowledge you about that. Now you have to reflect on what sacrifices are you making when you are not living up to your values. Next, think how do you feel when you are compromising with your values: are you happy, empowered, energized? Where do you see yourself in 5 years if you continue to give up on your values? Finally, pay attention to how you feel during this process? Are you ok with your current situation or you are ready to take action?

I am living a value-based life

Congratulations! Spread the word! Share your story with your significant others to help them feel the empowerment and beauty of living up to own values.

The Strategy: 

Don't allow you authenticity and momentum to slip away. You have gone through the process of identifying your values and finding your unique way to live up to them. It would be beneficial if you internalize this process as a practice and come back periodically to these type of activities in order to be up to date with your personal growth and your values life path.

Is your self-awareness with you?

In this fast-paced environment we are living in, we are all focused on accomplishing the necessary short-term tasks that keep us moving from one day to another. Wake up at 7 am; go to the office; do the work routines; complete a stage of a project; do the grocery; pick up the kids; make a dinner; visit parents; do a homework; spend time with the kids; put them to sleep; wash the dishes... These are just some standard lines in a standard to do list. And when you are done with your personalized daily task list you suddenly discover it's already late and there is no time left to... go beyond this task list. Does this sound familiar? If it does, then you may find yourself stuck in the daily routine and away of your self-awareness. If this is the case, it's time to get it back! No matter how far your awareness is, you can have it back immediately.

Self-awareness is a conscious state of mind. You cannot have it if you are not committed to having it. It is being fully sensitive to who you are and what you want to do in your life. When you are aware, you start experiencing a new world. It is a world in which you are the leader, you are the principal. Self-awareness opens your eyes to see everything that matters to you: what you value, what you love, what brings smile on your face, what you are passionate about, what you care about. Trust me, this is a picture you might want to see! And here is how you can get it.

1. Mark down in your calendar a time for yourself - a time when you can be alone with no disturbances and distractions. This is not a one time appointment with self, rather you should do this on a weekly basis.

2. Relax. You can use a meditation technique if you have one. Or listen to your favorite music. Or go for a walk. Or you can just breathe deep for a while. Do whatever makes you feel relaxed.

3. Enter a reflection journey. Start asking yourself questions about what matters to you and what is it that makes you the unique individual you are. Here is a great resource to give you a head start for self-discovery.

4. Enjoy your inner exploration. What are you finding there?

Once you tune in on the self-awareness frequencies, you will find it tempting to continue to do that. Well, this is a temptation you don't want to resist. Part of this amazing feeling is that you start clearly seeing who you are as a person and as a professional, what are your drivers to actions and decisions, what are your values, beliefs and inner desires, what is it that you want to achieve, what are you passionate about, what brings meaning to you life, and so much more. It is a new envisioning of a completely different life. And what an empowering one it is!

What can you expect from your coach? (4)

FACILITATING LEARNING AND RESULTS

At the end coaching is all about the client's learning and development so it is very important that a coach is able to facilitate the achievement of this ultimate goal. Although it takes a palette of skills, personality and proficiency in the field to master a client's learning and growth, there are four competencies that ICF identifies as a must-be-mastered by every professional coach. Here they are.

Competency 8: Creating Awareness

Creating awareness is this mystic ability to help the client gain awareness in every aspect of his life so that he is able to better understand where he stands, what is it that he wants to achieve, and achieve the agreed-upon results. Becoming aware is one of the great outcomes you will experience from coaching. It is not easy to describe how a coach manages that, but there are some specific behaviors you can expect from your coach within this competency.

A professional coach would not get hooked in the client's descriptions. Rather, he would go beyond what is said in order to discover together with the client what is meaningful, significant and important for the future. It is like taking the essence from every story or description and helping the client to reflect on what really really really matters. This is why a coach will ask a lot of questions that stimulate deeper understanding, clarity, and ultimately - awareness. He would also help in distinguishing temporary or accidental from persisting and intentional which usually leads to great insights about oneself.

Next, a professional coach helps the client to identify his hidden or underlying concerns and fears, as well as existing mental models and self-limiting beliefs that present as barriers to change and growth. A coach senses when such exist and through powerful questioning and applying theoretical models he encourages the client to bring to the surface these thinking distortions and overcome their negative influence on personal development. Your coach would also bring to discussion observed discrepancies between your values and goals and your actions. Example: "I know that your goal is to transition to marketing, and I am confused how accepting this new role would help you with that".

I have already mentioned the magic of introducing reframing to clients. Part of the magic is enhancing awareness. A professional coach knows how to communicates broader or different perspectives to clients and inspire them to find new possibilities for action, to discover new beliefs, perceptions, emotions and desires, and ultimately to achieve what really matters to them and do so with respect to their own values. A coach invites the client in a journey of looking what is outside of the box - what other factors are there, what unnoticed interrelationships exist.

Bringing awareness is also about discovering own strengths for growth and development. A professional coach is able to understand what is important to address during coaching sessions. Here you can find a big influence of the positive psychology. In coaching it is not typical to talk about weaknesses. Every client has unique strengths - knowledge, skills, expertise, personality - that they bring to the world around them. The challenge is to discover what they are and utilize them as a solid foundation for pursuing own goals while keeping an eye to potential areas for further development.

Competency 9: Designing Actions

This is the ability of the coach to create with the client ongoing opportunities for learning, both in coaching sessions and in real life situation, and to encourage the client to take new actions that would lead him to achieving the agreed goals. Here is how a professional coach does that.

Once a milestone is identified or a learning opportunity has occurred, a coach would assist the client in identifying specific actions to demonstrate, practice and further deepen it. Through brainstorming, detailed analysis or other techniques the clients identifies what the next step should be. Coaching is about forward moving, so expect this to be a consistent element of the sessions. Probably, a coach would not only encourage you to active experimentation, but would also insist on self-reflection on the experiments as a way to gain new insights and enhance learning. This is why a professional coach would give you some homework to do. This is important because when you start coaching you are not only attending sessions but you commit to learning and development which continues in between them.

When there is a goal, the road to achieving it shows with ups and downs. The coach is always there for the client to identify obstacles, concerns or unexpected problems and find ways to overcome them. The coach is also there to stimulate discovery of new opportunities, resources and tracks. As an ongoing developmental relationship coaching is a lot about being open to exploring alternative solutions and ideas, evaluating options and taking decisions to move forward.

When a client needs immediate practice, a professional coach is able to provide support for such learning during the session. The "training" is designed and done in the moment, and it is the debrief after it that brings learning value. Sometimes a client needs just few minutes of practice. Other times the practice could take the whole session. It's up to the client. After all a coach provides a safe learning environment with comfortable for the client pace of learning.

Competency 10: Planning and Goal Setting

This is the ability to develop and maintain an effective coaching plan with the client. More specifically, the ICF expects a professional coach to establish a coaching plan and specific goals that address the client's concerns and major areas for learning and development. This is done hand by hand with pursuing early small wins and wins all the way long, with identifying different resources to the client, and periodically reassessing the goals and accomplishments.

Competency 11: Managing Progress and Accountability

This is a special ability to hold attention on what is important to the client, keep a track of the client's progress and leave responsibility with the client to take actions. Some coaches would ask you if you give them permission to hold you accountable about pursuing your goals and completing agreed assignments. When you allow yourself to be held accountable you receive an extra push and stimulus to implement in real life what you discover during coaching. It is a great way of making the progress ongoing. So what your coach might do during the sessions? A professional coach will promote your self-discipline, and hold you accountable for doing what you say you are going to do, for the results of the intended action and for sticking to the agreed action plan. And if you do not accomplish something you promised or you have problems with the action plan, your coach is there to confront you in a positive way, help you discover what holds you back, and encourage you to find your best way to move forward. This is also a way for a coach to facilitate the enhancement of a client's ability to make decisions, address issues, reflect, learn and grow.

Also, your coach will facilitate your commitment to specific actions that would move you forward to achieving your goals. During sessions you will come up with ideas how to move forward and you will choose the ones that best suit your current situation/ condition/ readiness level. On the next session you would probably start with a debrief - what happened between the coaching sessions, how are you doing with your learning and accomplishments, how the agreed actions went on - what worked well, what didn't work well, what could be done better the next time. Your coach would acknowledge you for everything you have achieved, learned or just experimented with. Acknowledgment is always a huge part of coaching. It is not a random praising for the sake of the client's self-confidence. It is taking the time to show appreciation to the client's taking risk, experimenting with new activities, embracing learning opportunities or showing bravery to pursue his own purpose in life.

At the same time your coach would be always attentive to your coaching plan and will keep you on track with where you stand on the road to pursuing your goals and where you want to go from now on. Although the focus is on the original plan for coaching, a professional coach is always open to readjustment and change due to shifts or "a-ha" moments that come up in session or when something else in the client's life asks for that. Your coach is your partner. Trust him to share any milestones or events you encounter in your life in order to get the most of your coaching.

These are the coaching competencies as identified by the ICF. Don't forget that every coach is unique and will build a unique relationship with you and unique coaching environment. If there is a much between you and your coach, there would be no limits to your learning and growth. I have experienced it. I wish it to every one of you!

What can you expect from a professional coach? (3)

COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY

This group of competencies focuses on  the power tool that coaches bring to the table - a unique set of communicating skills that, when combined, build the distinguished empowering coaching experience. Only those who have done it can describe it. So what are the secrets of effective coaching communication?

Competency 5: Active Listening

This competency describes the ability of the coach to focus completely and to understand fully what the client says through words and through non-verbal means with full awareness of the client's uniqueness (personality, needs, goals, style, etc.). There are specific behaviors to follow unconditionally in order to achieve mastery on this competency.

A professional coach always attends to the client's agenda and nothing else. The client decides what is important to him, what he wants to focus on, what goals he wants to achieve and how to do that. As a human being a coach always has an advice to offer. As an expert in a certain field a coach always has a solution to give. None of this works for the purposes of genuine coaching. Be aware if you coach goes in the direction of "Your problem is..", "I think the best thing for you is to..." or "Let me tell you how I handled a similar situation..." This also means that a coach would never judge what you are saying, nor will he demonstrate personal attachment to what you are sharing.

A professional coach hears what the client shares about his values, beliefs, goals and concerns. The role of the coach is not to dispute them or change the client's mind. Rather, a coach challenges the client to go on a deeper level of self-exploration, self-discovery and commitment to self. The purpose is to join the client in a journey of confronting boundaries, limitations, assumptions and mental orders in order to make a stretch to an upper level of growth and development.

A coach listens not only to the words, but also to the tone of the voice, the face expressions, the body language and the emotions. A coach sees that while committing to a desired goal, a sad expression appears on the face of the client. He immediately starts exploring this shift of mood. What is going on right now in the client's head? What are his thoughts? What provoked these thoughts? What is the connection between the goal and the thoughts? What can he do about them? A coach constantly encourages the client to express his feelings, concerns, beliefs, perceptions and ideas, and accepts them with respect. However, at the same time the coach always tries to further explore those that appear to be significant for the client and for his development process.

A very important skill for a coach is to summarize, paraphrase and mirror back to what the client has said. On behalf of the coach this is crucial to be sure that he is where the client is. On the other hand, this skill could be very helpful for the client. There is a great power in listening to somebody saying what you are saying. It provides an opportunity for further reflection, taking a different stance and even assessing how realistic, beautiful, sincere, etc. your own story is. Being on the same track is important for yet another reason. It helps the coach to continuously design the coaching process in a way that supports the client's ideas, suggestions and agenda which is the governing idea of the coaching.


A final behavior worth mentioning within this competency is the "bottom-lining". This is the skill to understand what the client's agenda is and to help him get where he wants to go. Every coaching session is time-bounded, and every minute is precious for the client. This is why a coach knows when to interrupt a long descriptive story or a story that goes far beyond the set coaching goals in order to get the client back on the developmental path. Sometimes you will not even understand when this happens. Other times you may feel confused, disappointed or even angry because you feel your coach was not supporting or was bored with your story. He said to you: "What is the connection between this story and your goal?", "I think that you are trying to ignore the real problem. Let's go back to..." or "This story seems intriguing, but let's not avoid the issue we came upon..." Well, trust your coach. He is doing that to help you get the most of your coaching session and to climb your potentials' tops.

Competency 6: Powerful Questioning

This competency is probably the most easily assessed one. It is the ability to reveal information that helps the client to move forward and to achieve the highs he wants to achieve. The ICF identifies four types of questions that a professional coach should master. These are:

• questions that reflect active listening and an understanding of the client's perspective; 
• questions that evoke discovery, action, commitment or action; 
• open questions that create greater possibility or opportunity for learning;
• questions that move the clients toward their desired goals or future.

The powerful questioning is a special skillset that coaches bring to the table. It is possible that one question fits within more than one of these categories. In the end all that matters is whether the client feels empowered after the session and whether he moves forward. Check out this scenario. A client comes to coaching with the defined goal of getting a promotion. He has mentioned in previous sessions that his boss confronts him occasionally and he struggles to effectively manage those conflicts. Today he mentions a new fight which seems to affect him. Consider the difference between a coach simply asking "Why are you angry at your boss this time?", and the more exploratory question "I know that you are overwhelmed by the conflicts with your boss and I see that you are getting more and more frustrated. Let's explore what are your invisible barriers to opposing him. Can you go back to your last confrontation and describe what exactly happened?"

Competency 7: Direct Communication

This competency describes the ability to communicate effectively during the coaching sessions in order to achieve the greatest positive impact on the client.

One of the behaviors that describe this competency is the ability to provide clear and articulate feedback.As much as a coach is supportive of everything that the client brings to the table, he could be of great help by providing an honest and objective feedback of what he hears or sees. Usually a professional coach could ask for permission to do so. The tricky thing about feedback in coaching is that it should not transform into criticism. A coach cannot criticize because he is not walking in the shoes of the client and cannot decide what is right. The feedback is a tool that coaches use in order to provide some additional perspective, provoke curiosity, and encourage further reflection. For example, instead of saying "You seem really scared", a coach can go in this direction: "I notice that every time you mention the possibility of taking this new role, your face changes and sadness comes in your eyes. Can you tell me what is going on in your mind right now?"

Another crucial ability is the one of reframing. Very often clients get stuck in a mental model or assumption or just lack the ability to see other opportunities. This is the time when a coach can bring a huge difference in the client's life. Asking the right questions can encourage inquiry, analysis and discovery. Often times clients share that there was this ONE question that changed the whole energy and opened new doors. Introducing reframing and different perspectives to clients is a great way to enhance learning and development.

Direct communication is also measured by the ability of the coach to manage the process. First, a coach helps the client to set goals for the coaching as a whole, but also for every single session. Coaching is not a chat. As much as it feels great to be in a conversation which is all about you, the purpose of coaching is to keep you going forward. Ask yourself: Did my coach ask me about my goals? Am I certain that these are the really important goals for me? Do we start each session with the goal I have for it? Next, a coach is able to meet the client's agenda. This means that he is able to keep the client on the track to meeting the set goals and get rid of the distractions, barriers and obstacles. Third, a coach is very clear in communicating the purpose and structure of the different tools and instruments that he offers the client.

Finally, a coach always uses appropriate and respectful to the client language. Plus, he utilizes different communication techniques that could be of the client's benefit - analogies, metaphors, jargon, appropriate terminology, etc.